It starts with a pit in your stomach. Maybe you just saw a video on TikTok about "narcissistic traits" or read an article about toxic relationships, and suddenly, a specific memory flashed in your mind. That time you shouted until they cried. The way you check their phone when they’re in the shower. The "joke" you made about their weight that actually wasn't funny at all. You’re sitting there, staring at the wall, asking yourself the question nobody ever wants to ask: Am I an abuser of emotional abuse?
It’s a heavy, terrifying thought. Most people who act out in abusive ways don't wake up twirling a mustache like a cartoon villain. They feel like they’re the ones being misunderstood. They feel like they’re just "reacting" to a partner who pushed them too far. But if you’re asking the question, you’ve already taken a step most abusers never do. You’ve cracked the door open to self-awareness.
Let’s get one thing straight: labels like "abuser" are complicated. Usually, it’s better to look at the behavior. Being "an abuser" suggests a fixed identity, but "committing emotional abuse" is a series of choices. Those choices can be unlearned, but only if you stop making excuses for them. This isn't about self-loathing; it’s about an honest audit of how you treat the people you claim to love.
The subtle signs you might be crossing the line
Emotional abuse isn't always screaming. Sometimes it’s the quietest thing in the room. It’s the "silent treatment" that lasts for three days because your partner went out with friends you don't like. Psychologists often refer to this as withholding. By refusing to communicate, you’re exerting power. You’re making them "earn" your presence back. It’s a form of punishment, not a "need for space."
Think about your last argument. Did you actually listen, or did you just wait for them to stop talking so you could tell them why their feelings were wrong? Gaslighting is a buzzword now, but at its core, it’s just lying to someone about their own reality. If you find yourself saying things like "That never happened" or "You’re too sensitive" or "You’re remembering it wrong" specifically to get yourself off the hook, you’re drifting into abusive territory. You're effectively trying to break their trust in their own brain.
Control is the oxygen of emotional abuse.
Do you track their location? Do you get "grumpy" when they spend money on something you didn't approve of, even if it’s their own money? Maybe you don't "forbid" them from seeing people, but you make it so unpleasant for them when they come home—by being cold, asking a million suspicious questions, or acting wounded—that they eventually just stop going out. That’s called social isolation, and it’s a hallmark of domestic power dynamics.
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Why do people do this?
Nobody is born an emotional abuser. Often, these behaviors are "inherited" from childhood. If you grew up in a house where affection was conditional or where one parent dominated the other through fear, that becomes your blueprint for "love." You might feel like you’re just "protecting" the relationship.
Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive men and author of Why Does He Do That?, points out that abuse isn’t usually about a loss of control. It’s about entitlement. It’s the belief that your partner owes you certain things—their time, their constant validation, their obedience—and that you have the right to punish them when they don't deliver.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. You might think, "I have an anger problem." But notice: do you scream at your boss the way you scream at your partner? Do you call your best friend names when they’re late? If you can control your "anger" in public but "lose it" at home, it’s not an anger problem. It’s a boundary problem. You feel entitled to use your partner as a punching bag because you know, on some level, they’re a "safe" target.
The cycle of "I'm sorry"
One of the most confusing things for someone wondering am I an abuser of emotional abuse is the fact that they actually do feel bad sometimes. You might feel a wave of intense guilt after a blow-up. You buy flowers. You cry. You promise it’ll never happen again.
This is the "Honeymoon Phase" of the cycle of violence, a concept pioneered by Lenore E. Walker. The problem is that the guilt isn't the same as change. If you’re apologizing just to keep the person from leaving, or to make yourself feel like a "good person" again, but you aren’t doing the deep, messy work of therapy or behavioral change, the apology is just part of the abuse. It keeps the victim hooked on the hope that the "real you" is the nice version, and the "mean you" is just a fluke.
The truth? Both versions are you.
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Taking the "Mirror Test"
Honesty time. Read these questions and try to answer them without saying "Yeah, but they..."
- Do I use their secrets against them when we fight?
- Do I threaten to leave the relationship just to make them take back something they said?
- Do I check their phone, emails, or DMs without permission?
- Do I mock their insecurities under the guise of "teasing"?
- Do I make them feel like they are "crazy" or "unstable"?
- Does my partner seem to "walk on eggshells" when I’m in a bad mood?
If you answered yes to more than one of these, you are likely engaging in emotionally abusive patterns. It sucks to hear. It’s embarrassing. But burying your head in the sand won't stop the damage you're doing to your partner—or the damage you're doing to your own soul. Living as a person who needs to control others is a miserable, lonely way to exist.
Can you actually change?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is that it’s incredibly difficult and most people don't do it because it requires a total ego death. You have to stop being the "hero" of your own story for a while.
Standard "Anger Management" classes usually don't work for emotional abusers. Why? Because, again, it's not about anger; it's about power. You need specialized help. Programs like BIPs (Battering Intervention Programs) or therapists who specialize in domestic power dynamics are the gold standard. General couples counseling is often actually dangerous if there is active abuse happening, because the abuser can use what’s said in the session as ammunition later at home.
You have to learn to sit with discomfort. When your partner does something you don't like, and you feel that urge to snap or manipulate them into changing, you have to just... let it be. You have to accept that they are a separate human being with their own agency, not an extension of you.
Immediate steps for real change
If you’re serious about stopping, you can't just "try harder." You need a system.
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First, confess. Not just to your partner (who might not even feel safe hearing it), but to a professional. Acknowledge the specific things you’ve done without minimizing them. Use "I" statements. "I manipulated you by threatening to leave" is better than "I only said that because you were ignoring me."
Second, create a "Time-Out" rule. The second you feel your blood pressure rise or that "I need to win this" feeling, walk away. Tell your partner: "I’m feeling flooded and I don't want to say something hurtful. I’m going for a walk for 20 minutes." And then actually go. Don't use the time-out to stew on how wrong they are; use it to breathe.
Third, relinquish control. If you’ve been monitoring their phone, stop. Delete the tracking apps. If you’ve been controlling the money, set up a joint system where you have no more power than they do. It’s going to feel like losing a limb at first because control feels like safety. It isn't. It’s a cage for both of you.
Lastly, accept the consequences. Sometimes, by the time an abuser realizes what they’ve done, the relationship is too far gone. Your partner may not forgive you. They may leave. If you truly love them, you have to respect that choice. Changing yourself shouldn't be a bribe to get them to stay; it should be something you do so you never hurt another human being like this again.
Where to go from here
Change is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re unlearning years of bad wiring.
- Read: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Even if you aren't a man, the power dynamics explained in this book are universal.
- Find a specialist: Look for therapists who understand "Coercive Control."
- Be patient but firm: Do not give yourself "passes" because you had a bad day at work.
- Listen more than you speak: If your partner tells you that you hurt them, believe them the first time.
Stopping the cycle of emotional abuse is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It requires looking at the ugliest parts of yourself and refusing to look away. But on the other side of that work is a version of you that is actually capable of real intimacy, trust, and peace. That’s worth the struggle.
Next Steps for Recovery
- Safety First: if your behavior has ever turned physical, contact a local intervention program immediately.
- Document your triggers: Spend one week writing down every time you felt the urge to control or belittle your partner. Look for patterns.
- Individual Therapy: Seek out a counselor who focuses on "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" (CBT) or "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" (DBT) to help with emotional regulation.
- Practice Radical Accountability: Next time you mess up, apologize without adding the word "but" at the end. Just own it.