Let’s be honest. Most of the stuff you read about marriage sounds like it was written by someone who has never actually had a screaming match over a dishwasher. It’s all "active listening" and "date nights" and generic fluff that feels impossible when you’re both exhausted, the kids are crying, and you haven't had a real conversation in three days. But here’s the thing: marriage isn't just a feeling. It's a skill. And if you’re looking at the 7 principles to making marriage work, you’re likely looking for something more substantial than a Hallmark card.
Dr. John Gottman is basically the godfather of this stuff. He didn't just guess what makes couples stay together; he sat in a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington and watched them for forty years. He could predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple would divorce just by watching them talk for fifteen minutes. That’s wild. But it’s also hopeful because it means there is a predictable pattern to success. It’s not just luck.
Forget What You Thought About Conflict
We’ve been told that successful couples don't fight. That’s a lie. Honestly, some of the happiest couples I know fight quite a bit. The difference isn't the presence of conflict; it's the way they handle it and, more importantly, how they recover.
One of the core 7 principles to making marriage work is actually about how you start a conversation. Gottman calls it the "Softened Start-up." If you lead with a "You always..." or "Why can't you ever...", the conversation is basically over before it began. Your partner’s brain goes into fight-or-flight mode. Their heart rate spikes. They stop hearing your needs and start building a fortress.
Instead, try starting with yourself. "I’m feeling overwhelmed because the kitchen is a mess, and I could really use some help." It sounds cheesy. It feels vulnerable. But it works because it doesn't trigger a defensive collapse.
The Maps in Your Head
You’ve got to know your partner’s world. It’s what Gottman calls "Love Maps."
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Basically, this is the internal GPS you have for your spouse's life. Do you know what their current biggest stressor at work is? Do you know the name of the person who annoys them at the gym? Do you know what their secret dream is—the one they’re almost too embarrassed to say out loud?
Couples who stay together have detailed maps. They aren't just roommates sharing a mortgage. They are active participants in each other’s inner lives. This isn't a "one and done" thing, either. People change. The map you had of your spouse when you were 25 is useless when they’re 45. You have to keep updating the software.
The Power of the "Bid"
Every day, your partner makes "bids" for your attention. It might be as simple as them pointing at a bird outside or asking, "Did you see that news story?"
You have three choices:
- Turn toward them (Acknowledge it).
- Turn away (Ignore it).
- Turn against (Be snappy or irritable).
If you want the marriage to work, you turn toward. Consistently. It's the small, boring moments that build the "Emotional Bank Account." When things get rough—and they will—you need a high balance in that account to survive the withdrawals.
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Solvable vs. Unsolvable Problems
This is the part that usually shocks people. Research shows that 69% of relationship conflict is about unsolvable, perpetual problems. Think about that.
Maybe you’re a saver and they’re a spender. Maybe you’re an introvert and they want to host a party every Friday night. These things aren't going to change because they are tied to personality and core values. The goal of the 7 principles to making marriage work isn't to solve these problems. It's to move from "gridlock" to "dialogue."
You have to learn to live with the differences without letting them poison the well. In a healthy marriage, you acknowledge that you're married to someone who is fundamentally different from you, and you find a way to make it a "we" problem rather than a "you" problem.
The Four Horsemen are Real
If you want to know if a marriage is in trouble, look for the Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Contempt is the worst. It’s the "sulfuric acid of relationships." It’s when you feel superior to your partner. It’s eye-rolling, name-calling, or cynical "jokes" at their expense. If contempt is present, the relationship is in the ICU.
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Defensiveness is another sneaky one. We all do it. "I only did that because you did this!" It’s a way of blaming your partner for your own behavior. But in a marriage that works, you have to be willing to take responsibility for even a tiny piece of the problem. Even if you think you’re 90% right, own the 10% where you messed up.
Creating Shared Meaning
At the end of the day, a marriage needs a "why."
It’s not just about who takes out the trash or who pays the bills. It’s about creating a culture together. This includes rituals—like Sunday morning coffee or a specific way you celebrate birthdays. It’s also about supporting each other’s life dreams.
When one partner feels like their dreams are being stifled or ignored, resentment grows like mold in a dark basement. You have to be each other’s biggest fans. Even if you don't fully "get" why they want to start a side business or run a marathon, you support the person, not just the activity.
Actionable Steps for This Week
Don't try to overhaul everything at once. That's a recipe for burnout. Pick one thing.
- Audit your bids. For the next 24 hours, notice every time your partner tries to start a conversation or share a thought. Make a conscious effort to "turn toward" them, even if it’s just with a "Wow, that’s interesting."
- Update your Love Map. Ask one open-ended question tonight that has nothing to do with chores or kids. Something like, "What’s one thing you’re looking forward to this year that we haven't talked about?"
- Watch for the Horsemen. Next time you’re annoyed, catch yourself before you roll your eyes. Replace the criticism with a specific request.
- Practice the 5:1 ratio. Healthy relationships have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. If you’ve had a rough patch, start intentionally seeding in more "positives"—compliments, touches, or small acts of kindness.
Marriage is a long game. It’s less about the big romantic gestures and more about the thousand tiny choices you make every single Tuesday afternoon. Real intimacy is built in the trenches of the mundane. Focus on being a "good enough" partner today, and the rest usually follows.